(Short) Ramble On Expanding

I sit with my shoulders curved, often with my arms crossed. When I can, I tuck my legs under themselves or bring them up to my chest. I am quiet in crowded conversation; I've trained myself to listen rather than speak--useful and productive for some things, but holding ground has its place. I stand or sit in corners, keep my things with me on my lap, walk on the edge of sidewalks instead of their middles. I wear muted colors to keep attention away.

When I catch myself making wild gestures with my arms, I stop. I don't brag or focus conversations on myself. I regard my accomplishments as minuscule and not to be lauded. I contain myself in a neat package, wrapped up in a bow and sat close to the tree so that others can take the spotlight. I starve myself and my muscles and bones shrink as to fit into smaller sizes of everything, from clothing to shoes to that sliver of space against the wall I have to fit into when bigger personalities pass me by. 

In all these ways I make myself small. 

I've always been told to be humble and modest, not to take too much pride in what I do or who I am lest I become vain; not to take up too much space or breathe too much air; not to ask anything of others and not to correct them; not to gain weight lest I go up a size; that it is better to be quiet and shy than loud and obnoxious. 

But I am human and I am filled with desire, my longing cannot be contained by my curves and folds. I am vast and I try and try and try again. 

There is a lot in recovery about finding what it means to expand, what it is to take up more space, what it means to grow. What it is to be bold in your expressions and fearless in your ambitions and unabashed in the relentless pursuit of better things.

People are afraid that your success is going to detract from theirs. They believe that supporting someone's growth and their endeavors isn't a sign of camaraderie but one of defeat and favor competition over coexistence. 

The universe is capable of handling multiple success stories at once, but its inhabitants may not be prepared for your unique brilliance. That doesn't mean you should stop being uniquely brilliant. That doesn't mean you should make yourself small. 

Women are told that they are measured by their waist size and their frailty and that a woman who does what she's supposed to do is a woman that blends into the background and doesn't make waves. Men are told that there's a level of accomplishment they "should" achieve, and without that they are worthless. Both are told they must be perfect and that imperfection is failure.

The universe is capable of handling multiple success stories at once, but its inhabitants may not be prepared for your unique brilliance. That doesn't mean you should stop being uniquely brilliant. That doesn't mean you should make yourself small.