NEDA Week 2018: Shame Game
Eating disorders are different for different people. Each experience is unique, but each shares this: shame.
I have a complicated relationship with shame. Don't get me wrong, I don't like feeling shame, and I don't think anyone does. But I do tend to shame-trip myself: I make myself feel shame for things that don't merit shame.
Shame differs from guilt in this way, as put forth by shame researcher Brené Brown: guilt is "I did something bad." Shame is "I am bad."
One is a situational reaction, the other is a core belief. One is constructive; the other, destructive. One is temporary, the other is permanent.
Shame is "you are not enough."
We live in a culture filled with shame: shame concerning productivity, relationships, and of course, weight and shape.
Common shame red flags surrounding weight and shape include but are not limited to these categories:
- Food (ie. I can't believe I ate that; Are you really eating that much?)
- Body (ie. My body is disgusting; I can't believe I'm a size X; You can't wear X clothing because you're not shaped like Y; I wish I had a flat stomach/thigh gap)
- Weight (ie. I'm going to gain so much weight from this; How can you eat that without gaining weight? I have to lose all of this weight)
- Exercise (ie. I haven't exercised enough to earn this food; I'm/You're lazy because I/you don't work out)
- Bragging in any of the above categories (ie. I'm only a size X; I haven't eaten in X hours; I burned so many calories today, I can already feel myself getting smaller)
Some of these are obvious enough; even though we may not believe it's necessary, we can all sense the shame radiating from a comment about going up a jean size. Some are less obvious: bragging, for instance. We know it's annoying, but what else is it?
Kids are taught that some children bully others because of their own self-consciousness and perceived deficiency--read: toxic shame. Bragging is much the same way. Braggers feel the need to prove themselves to others because of a deep-seated fear that they will not be enough.
In people with eating disorders as well as other mental illnesses, there builds an excess of toxic shame. Sufferers feel shame for eating, for not eating; for exercising, for not exercising; for weighing themselves, for not weighing themselves; for going down a size, for going up a size. Sufferers feel shame for existing.
So what do we do with it? Good question.
The first step to ending pervasive shame culture is to embrace yourself and your flaws in an unconditional and unapologetic way. Apologize for your mistakes, but don't let them rule you, and don't apologize for personality traits. Show some vulnerability--admit when you are wrong, take advice from others, give yourself, take care of yourself. Work on accepting and maybe even loving the body you're in without dieting or exercising excessively. And spread that across your friend group or coworkers or family. Be open with those you care about and maybe even those you don't care about terribly, a stranger on the street who might just be in need of someone to model for them that being imperfect is okay.
Let me repeat that: being imperfect is okay. Imperfections are what make us human and give us internal beauty. Beginning to work on being true to yourself and accepting your imperfections is a step on the right path to ending shame culture. Aside from simply making you happier, like sunlight it will radiate out into the world as you engage with it and show others that it's not only okay but cosmically beautiful to embrace themselves.
Be vulnerable and open with yourself and others. It will be hard, but it will be worth it.
One is a situational reaction, the other is a core belief. One is constructive; the other, destructive. One is temporary, the other is permanent.
Shame is "you are not enough."
We live in a culture filled with shame: shame concerning productivity, relationships, and of course, weight and shape.
Common shame red flags surrounding weight and shape include but are not limited to these categories:
- Food (ie. I can't believe I ate that; Are you really eating that much?)
- Body (ie. My body is disgusting; I can't believe I'm a size X; You can't wear X clothing because you're not shaped like Y; I wish I had a flat stomach/thigh gap)
- Weight (ie. I'm going to gain so much weight from this; How can you eat that without gaining weight? I have to lose all of this weight)
- Exercise (ie. I haven't exercised enough to earn this food; I'm/You're lazy because I/you don't work out)
- Bragging in any of the above categories (ie. I'm only a size X; I haven't eaten in X hours; I burned so many calories today, I can already feel myself getting smaller)
Some of these are obvious enough; even though we may not believe it's necessary, we can all sense the shame radiating from a comment about going up a jean size. Some are less obvious: bragging, for instance. We know it's annoying, but what else is it?
Kids are taught that some children bully others because of their own self-consciousness and perceived deficiency--read: toxic shame. Bragging is much the same way. Braggers feel the need to prove themselves to others because of a deep-seated fear that they will not be enough.
In people with eating disorders as well as other mental illnesses, there builds an excess of toxic shame. Sufferers feel shame for eating, for not eating; for exercising, for not exercising; for weighing themselves, for not weighing themselves; for going down a size, for going up a size. Sufferers feel shame for existing.
So what do we do with it? Good question.
The first step to ending pervasive shame culture is to embrace yourself and your flaws in an unconditional and unapologetic way. Apologize for your mistakes, but don't let them rule you, and don't apologize for personality traits. Show some vulnerability--admit when you are wrong, take advice from others, give yourself, take care of yourself. Work on accepting and maybe even loving the body you're in without dieting or exercising excessively. And spread that across your friend group or coworkers or family. Be open with those you care about and maybe even those you don't care about terribly, a stranger on the street who might just be in need of someone to model for them that being imperfect is okay.
Let me repeat that: being imperfect is okay. Imperfections are what make us human and give us internal beauty. Beginning to work on being true to yourself and accepting your imperfections is a step on the right path to ending shame culture. Aside from simply making you happier, like sunlight it will radiate out into the world as you engage with it and show others that it's not only okay but cosmically beautiful to embrace themselves.
Be vulnerable and open with yourself and others. It will be hard, but it will be worth it.
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