NEDA Week 2018: Reflections in Recovery
With NEDA Week wrapping up, I find myself thinking about the ways my eating disorder has played into my life. The things it's done for me; the things it's kept me from doing. This NEDA Week, I am in treatment, hoping to say goodbye to my ED once and for all.
Reflections In Recovery
I have spent my entire life trying to be small. The smaller I got, the more positively I was attended to--as if size is the only thing that matters and has ever mattered. I was proud of my size, that smallness, that fragility. I was proud of my ability to shrink, because I was not proud of anything else. It was the only thing I had natural aptitude for, my only talent. The only thing I was good enough at.
My eating disorder has served me.
I kept myself empty, physically and emotionally. I was able to numb the hard feelings with starvation and fill the empty void afterwards with copious amounts of food. Though it never worked, not short term much less long term, there was something satisfying about controlling my emotions by controlling what I put into my body.
What I put in my body was the one thing I could control. The one thing I had complete autonomy over. My performance in school, in sports, in the community--they had a lot of variables. My relationships had a lot of variables. Life had a lot of variables, and variables are scary. Regulating life through food made living less frightening.
But I shrunk my scope as I shrunk my body. I shrunk my brain and my heart and my ability. I shrunk possibilities.
My eating disorder has served me, but it will serve me no more.
I won't say I'm tired of my ED. I won't say I'm always completely glad to have it out of my life. I won't say I don't miss it. I do. I miss being sick and I miss being thin. I miss the satisfaction of restriction and binging. I miss the sharp buzzing of my mind and the quickness with which it whirled when I kept myself empty. I miss feeling clean inside, shiny. I miss the way my life fell in place and fell apart all at once. I miss pushing people away, because keeping them close is hard.
I miss not having a life beyond my eating disorder. I miss wasting away.
Yet without my ED, I know life is better. My mind is clearer. I can remember things and I can accomplish things. I can care for people genuinely and I can live to my values.
Without my eating disorder, I don't have to engage in dishonesty and self absorption. I can be genuine and compassionate beyond any past capacity. I can feel my strength building. I can feel myself changing, and though change is scary, it's necessary.
I am not the same person I was when I was nine. I don't have to be the same size, either.
I struggle to remind myself that recovery is worth it and I am worth recovery. I struggle to find the space to hold the dialectic: I do not like myself and I have worth and value.
This NEDA Week, I commit to remind myself of these things daily. I commit to positive self talk and self forgiveness.
Life is so much more without your eating disorder. What will you commit to?
Reflections In Recovery
I have spent my entire life trying to be small. The smaller I got, the more positively I was attended to--as if size is the only thing that matters and has ever mattered. I was proud of my size, that smallness, that fragility. I was proud of my ability to shrink, because I was not proud of anything else. It was the only thing I had natural aptitude for, my only talent. The only thing I was good enough at.
My eating disorder has served me.
I kept myself empty, physically and emotionally. I was able to numb the hard feelings with starvation and fill the empty void afterwards with copious amounts of food. Though it never worked, not short term much less long term, there was something satisfying about controlling my emotions by controlling what I put into my body.
What I put in my body was the one thing I could control. The one thing I had complete autonomy over. My performance in school, in sports, in the community--they had a lot of variables. My relationships had a lot of variables. Life had a lot of variables, and variables are scary. Regulating life through food made living less frightening.
But I shrunk my scope as I shrunk my body. I shrunk my brain and my heart and my ability. I shrunk possibilities.
My eating disorder has served me, but it will serve me no more.
I won't say I'm tired of my ED. I won't say I'm always completely glad to have it out of my life. I won't say I don't miss it. I do. I miss being sick and I miss being thin. I miss the satisfaction of restriction and binging. I miss the sharp buzzing of my mind and the quickness with which it whirled when I kept myself empty. I miss feeling clean inside, shiny. I miss the way my life fell in place and fell apart all at once. I miss pushing people away, because keeping them close is hard.
I miss not having a life beyond my eating disorder. I miss wasting away.
Yet without my ED, I know life is better. My mind is clearer. I can remember things and I can accomplish things. I can care for people genuinely and I can live to my values.
Without my eating disorder, I don't have to engage in dishonesty and self absorption. I can be genuine and compassionate beyond any past capacity. I can feel my strength building. I can feel myself changing, and though change is scary, it's necessary.
I am not the same person I was when I was nine. I don't have to be the same size, either.
I struggle to remind myself that recovery is worth it and I am worth recovery. I struggle to find the space to hold the dialectic: I do not like myself and I have worth and value.
This NEDA Week, I commit to remind myself of these things daily. I commit to positive self talk and self forgiveness.
Life is so much more without your eating disorder. What will you commit to?
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