You Look So Healthy: What NOT To Say to People With Eating Disorders
Supporting or even being around a person recovering from an eating disorder can be challenging in many ways, but I often hear that the most difficult part is navigating the world of spoken interaction. What can I say without being triggering? What should I avoid? Why do I feel like I can't be myself any more? are just some of the questions that tend to pop up.
Of course, the best advice is to ask the person themselves about specifics. An open line of communication will prove to be most beneficial.
However, I've compiled a short list of ten things that are generally unhelpful to say to people with eating disorders or in recovery. This list is by no means extensive, but I hope in providing it, I'll be able to help you help the person in your life with an ED.
1. "You look so good/healthy!"
I know your heart is in the right place on this one. I get it. But health has nothing to do with physical appearance. Let me repeat: health has nothing to do with physical appearance. People with restrictive or purging type disorders do NOT have to be underweight to be sick. People with binging type disorders do NOT have to be overweight to be sick. There is no "healthy" body type: people can be healthy or unhealthy at every size.
2. "Just try to eat more/less."
I'd like to. I'm trying as hard as I can, I promise. This isn't fun, it's miserable. And believe it or not, how hard I'm trying isn't something you can tell just by looking at me.
3. "I've only eaten X today."
I really don't understand what people are trying to accomplish with this one. It seems like I can't go anywhere without overhearing someone talk about how they've "only eaten x and it's 5 pm." To someone recovering from an eating disorder this can be very triggering, but it's also a shaming statement to the general public. We don't need to know how little you've had today; especially not in a proud tone.
4. "I'm so bad because I ate X. Guess I have to hit the gym!"
First of all, the distinction must be made between "I did something bad" and "I am bad." The first is a statement; the second, a judgement. Nobody can be wholly "bad" due to one bad action.
Secondly, eating isn't bad. No, eating that cupcake or that ice cream or those cookies or that pasta isn't bad. There's nothing "bad" about eating food you enjoy, and you certainly don't need to punish yourself for doing so by "burning off the calories" at the gym.
You don't need to earn food or compensate for it. This is something people with eating disorders have to spend years learning; comments like this one buy into diet culture and normalize disordered eating habits.
5. "Do you have any idea how many calories are in that?!"
Yes. I guarantee you I know exactly how many calories are in this. And since I'm in recovery, I don't care. Or at least, I'm trying not to. I'm probably already agonizing over eating something out of my comfort zone or challenging myself with a fear food. This statement only makes people with eating disorders feel worse.
6. "I wish I could just, like, drop X pounds."
Me too, but I'm working really hard to get rid of that engrained impulse. Society has evolved to teach us that we're not enough unless we're a certain size or losing weight. Women need to be small and dainty; men need to be strong. That's some bull people in recovery have to work through, and normalizing diet culture and societal body dysmorphia doesn't only harm me, it harms you. Start a revolution with us. Love your body.
7. "I understand. I've crash dieted/overeaten before."
It's not the same. Crash dieting is not the same as anorexia nervosa; overeating isn't the same as binge eating disorder. The former are disordered eating habits stemming from a pervasive culture of dieting and labelling foods as "good/bad." The latter are life-threatening eating disorders that are impacted by that culture but also driven by self-hatred, shame, and multiple other factors. While I appreciate your attempt at empathy, it really isn't the same.
8. "Everyone hates their body/crash diets/skips meals/overeats."
Normalizing diet culture isn't doing anybody any good. Yes, normative eating does include occasionally overeating or undereating. But not everybody crash diets or hates their body or skips meals or compulsively overeats/exercises/restricts. People in recovery are trying to move towards a relationship with themselves, food, and their body that allows them to live their life. There's no room for diet culture in that life.
9. "You know, that's really gross and bad for your health."
Firstly, I don't think it's ever helpful to call anyone gross. Secondly, I'm well aware my disorder is bad for my health. Eating disorders may begin as an attempt to "get healthy," but quickly spiral into something more that has nothing to do with overall health or wellbeing. Mental health is health, too, and eating disorders are a mental illness. There's nothing healthy about them, and people with eating disorders might want to get back to being healthy, but we know that our disorder isn't the way to do so.
10. "You think you're fat? Then what am I?"
This comment is just frustrating. My body dysmorphia applies only to me--I see you exactly as you are, but I don't see myself the same way you see me.
Bonus:
11. "X food is so good/bad."
I present to you a concept explained quite well here by the American Council on Science and Health: there are no good or bad foods. People with eating disorders, particularly restrictive disorders, have already labelled so many foods as "good" or "bad" in their heads that the majority of the recovery process lies in unraveling that string of black and white thinking. This statement only reinforces disordered thought.
Questions? Suggestions? Leave me a comment.
Of course, the best advice is to ask the person themselves about specifics. An open line of communication will prove to be most beneficial.
However, I've compiled a short list of ten things that are generally unhelpful to say to people with eating disorders or in recovery. This list is by no means extensive, but I hope in providing it, I'll be able to help you help the person in your life with an ED.
1. "You look so good/healthy!"
I know your heart is in the right place on this one. I get it. But health has nothing to do with physical appearance. Let me repeat: health has nothing to do with physical appearance. People with restrictive or purging type disorders do NOT have to be underweight to be sick. People with binging type disorders do NOT have to be overweight to be sick. There is no "healthy" body type: people can be healthy or unhealthy at every size.
2. "Just try to eat more/less."
I'd like to. I'm trying as hard as I can, I promise. This isn't fun, it's miserable. And believe it or not, how hard I'm trying isn't something you can tell just by looking at me.
3. "I've only eaten X today."
I really don't understand what people are trying to accomplish with this one. It seems like I can't go anywhere without overhearing someone talk about how they've "only eaten x and it's 5 pm." To someone recovering from an eating disorder this can be very triggering, but it's also a shaming statement to the general public. We don't need to know how little you've had today; especially not in a proud tone.
4. "I'm so bad because I ate X. Guess I have to hit the gym!"
First of all, the distinction must be made between "I did something bad" and "I am bad." The first is a statement; the second, a judgement. Nobody can be wholly "bad" due to one bad action.
Secondly, eating isn't bad. No, eating that cupcake or that ice cream or those cookies or that pasta isn't bad. There's nothing "bad" about eating food you enjoy, and you certainly don't need to punish yourself for doing so by "burning off the calories" at the gym.
You don't need to earn food or compensate for it. This is something people with eating disorders have to spend years learning; comments like this one buy into diet culture and normalize disordered eating habits.
5. "Do you have any idea how many calories are in that?!"
Yes. I guarantee you I know exactly how many calories are in this. And since I'm in recovery, I don't care. Or at least, I'm trying not to. I'm probably already agonizing over eating something out of my comfort zone or challenging myself with a fear food. This statement only makes people with eating disorders feel worse.
6. "I wish I could just, like, drop X pounds."
Me too, but I'm working really hard to get rid of that engrained impulse. Society has evolved to teach us that we're not enough unless we're a certain size or losing weight. Women need to be small and dainty; men need to be strong. That's some bull people in recovery have to work through, and normalizing diet culture and societal body dysmorphia doesn't only harm me, it harms you. Start a revolution with us. Love your body.
7. "I understand. I've crash dieted/overeaten before."
It's not the same. Crash dieting is not the same as anorexia nervosa; overeating isn't the same as binge eating disorder. The former are disordered eating habits stemming from a pervasive culture of dieting and labelling foods as "good/bad." The latter are life-threatening eating disorders that are impacted by that culture but also driven by self-hatred, shame, and multiple other factors. While I appreciate your attempt at empathy, it really isn't the same.
8. "Everyone hates their body/crash diets/skips meals/overeats."
Normalizing diet culture isn't doing anybody any good. Yes, normative eating does include occasionally overeating or undereating. But not everybody crash diets or hates their body or skips meals or compulsively overeats/exercises/restricts. People in recovery are trying to move towards a relationship with themselves, food, and their body that allows them to live their life. There's no room for diet culture in that life.
9. "You know, that's really gross and bad for your health."
Firstly, I don't think it's ever helpful to call anyone gross. Secondly, I'm well aware my disorder is bad for my health. Eating disorders may begin as an attempt to "get healthy," but quickly spiral into something more that has nothing to do with overall health or wellbeing. Mental health is health, too, and eating disorders are a mental illness. There's nothing healthy about them, and people with eating disorders might want to get back to being healthy, but we know that our disorder isn't the way to do so.
10. "You think you're fat? Then what am I?"
This comment is just frustrating. My body dysmorphia applies only to me--I see you exactly as you are, but I don't see myself the same way you see me.
Bonus:
11. "X food is so good/bad."
I present to you a concept explained quite well here by the American Council on Science and Health: there are no good or bad foods. People with eating disorders, particularly restrictive disorders, have already labelled so many foods as "good" or "bad" in their heads that the majority of the recovery process lies in unraveling that string of black and white thinking. This statement only reinforces disordered thought.
Questions? Suggestions? Leave me a comment.
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