What Not To Say To People With Depression (And What To Say Instead)
If you're alive on this earth, chances are pretty high you know someone who has depression, with depression affecting more than 450 million people around the world. And if you know someone who has depression, chances are pretty high you're well aware that sometimes a comment pitched in a well-meaning manner can be received in a much different light.
Here are 10 such comments (+ a bonus).
1. Everyone feels sad sometimes.
Everyone does feel sad sometimes, but sadness and clinical depression are different creatures entirely.
What to say instead: "I may not know exactly how you feel right now, but I do know that feeling down sucks, and I'm here to help."
2. You think you have it bad?/Other people have it worse.
There are two reasons this comment isn't helpful: firstly, any kind of misfortune isn't a competition. Everyone's experience is unique and valid. A person who drowned in 7 feet of water is just as dead as a person who drowned in 20 feet of water. Secondly, the cure for depression is not guilt. Bringing up the misfortunes of others, for the most part, only succeeds in making mentally ill people feel guilty for having their (real, valid, and important) issues in the first place.
What to say instead: "You aren't alone and we can get through this together."
3. Snap out of it.
If I could, I would, trust me. Being mentally ill isn't fun or trendy or cool. It's draining, it's dull, it's lonely, and I'm doing everything I can to get myself in a better place.
What to say instead: "Even if you don't believe it right now, things will get better."
4. Happiness is a choice.
Again, honestly, I really wish it was. Being depressed (or not being depressed) isn't a choice--but recovery is. Making a conscious effort to better your life, even if you think you don't deserve it, is. The best you, as a supporter, can do is assist your mentally ill peer in the legitimate choices (finding treatment, talking to a doctor, reappraising their thoughts) they'll need to make in the road to recovery.
What to say instead: "You deserve better than this."
5. What do you have to be depressed about?
Depression doesn't need a reason, it's as simple as that. Depression isn't sadness or self-pity, depression is a chemical imbalance in the body's single most complex organ that doesn't require a specific impetus.
What to say instead: "I'm sorry that you're feeling this way."
6. Why don't you go for a walk/do some yoga/meditate?
While the benefits of mindfulness for mental illnesses and general health are well-known and such therapies can certainly be beneficial, mindful activities are not a suitable substitute for professional help. The fact is, medication works. There's nothing going in your body that doesn't belong there (my brain is incapable of making its own serotonin, so I buy it from the pharmacy. It keeps me functioning), and therapy is not a gimmick.
How can we maximize the benefits of doing mindful activities? Do them with company. Activities with loved ones boost happiness both short and long term, so:
What to say instead: "Let's do something together."
7. It's just in your head.
Yes, it's all in my head. It's a mental illness. That doesn't make it any less real and debilitating.
What to say instead: "Your illness is real and your feelings are valid."
8. It's your fault.
People with mental illnesses already tend to blame themselves for things that aren't our fault. I'll admit that sometimes I do things that aren't good for my mental health--I think lots of people do. But having a mental illness to begin with isn't something I chose or brought upon myself, so please don't tell me I did. Depression is caused by a number of genealogical, social, and environmental factors, not the personal faults of the sufferer.
What to say instead: "You will get through this, and I'll be here for you."
9. You're just being selfish.
I have two things to say about this. Firstly and chiefly, having an illness isn't selfish. Being sick sucks and nobody knows that more than people who are sick.
Secondly, sometimes we need to put ourselves first. Letting people know about your mental illness and opening up is risky and takes a lot of courage; so does taking care of yourself. Doing good things for yourself is not inherently selfish.
What to say instead: "I am not going to leave or abandon you." (only if you mean it.)
10. You're bringing me down.
I know it's hard to know that your loved one is having a rough time, but such comments end to carry.a lot of guilt and truly don't benefit either of you.
What to say instead: "I'm right here with you."
BONUS: "You're so strong."
I'm not. I'm not strong for living with my illness. I'm just desperate and passionate. And I'm angry.
What to say instead: "I believe in you, even if you don't."
Here are 10 such comments (+ a bonus).
1. Everyone feels sad sometimes.
Everyone does feel sad sometimes, but sadness and clinical depression are different creatures entirely.
What to say instead: "I may not know exactly how you feel right now, but I do know that feeling down sucks, and I'm here to help."
2. You think you have it bad?/Other people have it worse.
There are two reasons this comment isn't helpful: firstly, any kind of misfortune isn't a competition. Everyone's experience is unique and valid. A person who drowned in 7 feet of water is just as dead as a person who drowned in 20 feet of water. Secondly, the cure for depression is not guilt. Bringing up the misfortunes of others, for the most part, only succeeds in making mentally ill people feel guilty for having their (real, valid, and important) issues in the first place.
What to say instead: "You aren't alone and we can get through this together."
3. Snap out of it.
If I could, I would, trust me. Being mentally ill isn't fun or trendy or cool. It's draining, it's dull, it's lonely, and I'm doing everything I can to get myself in a better place.
What to say instead: "Even if you don't believe it right now, things will get better."
4. Happiness is a choice.
Again, honestly, I really wish it was. Being depressed (or not being depressed) isn't a choice--but recovery is. Making a conscious effort to better your life, even if you think you don't deserve it, is. The best you, as a supporter, can do is assist your mentally ill peer in the legitimate choices (finding treatment, talking to a doctor, reappraising their thoughts) they'll need to make in the road to recovery.
What to say instead: "You deserve better than this."
5. What do you have to be depressed about?
Depression doesn't need a reason, it's as simple as that. Depression isn't sadness or self-pity, depression is a chemical imbalance in the body's single most complex organ that doesn't require a specific impetus.
What to say instead: "I'm sorry that you're feeling this way."
6. Why don't you go for a walk/do some yoga/meditate?
While the benefits of mindfulness for mental illnesses and general health are well-known and such therapies can certainly be beneficial, mindful activities are not a suitable substitute for professional help. The fact is, medication works. There's nothing going in your body that doesn't belong there (my brain is incapable of making its own serotonin, so I buy it from the pharmacy. It keeps me functioning), and therapy is not a gimmick.
How can we maximize the benefits of doing mindful activities? Do them with company. Activities with loved ones boost happiness both short and long term, so:
What to say instead: "Let's do something together."
7. It's just in your head.
Yes, it's all in my head. It's a mental illness. That doesn't make it any less real and debilitating.
What to say instead: "Your illness is real and your feelings are valid."
8. It's your fault.
People with mental illnesses already tend to blame themselves for things that aren't our fault. I'll admit that sometimes I do things that aren't good for my mental health--I think lots of people do. But having a mental illness to begin with isn't something I chose or brought upon myself, so please don't tell me I did. Depression is caused by a number of genealogical, social, and environmental factors, not the personal faults of the sufferer.
What to say instead: "You will get through this, and I'll be here for you."
9. You're just being selfish.
I have two things to say about this. Firstly and chiefly, having an illness isn't selfish. Being sick sucks and nobody knows that more than people who are sick.
Secondly, sometimes we need to put ourselves first. Letting people know about your mental illness and opening up is risky and takes a lot of courage; so does taking care of yourself. Doing good things for yourself is not inherently selfish.
What to say instead: "I am not going to leave or abandon you." (only if you mean it.)
10. You're bringing me down.
I know it's hard to know that your loved one is having a rough time, but such comments end to carry.a lot of guilt and truly don't benefit either of you.
What to say instead: "I'm right here with you."
BONUS: "You're so strong."
I'm not. I'm not strong for living with my illness. I'm just desperate and passionate. And I'm angry.
What to say instead: "I believe in you, even if you don't."
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